Day 30 - Finishing Chemotherapy
Hi! This is such an exciting thing to cross off my list.
I FINISHED CHEMOTHERAPY!!!!!
That's right, 6 brutal cycles of poison hell and I'm out the other side. I'm lucky to not need radiotherapy so that makes me, essentially, done with everything.
It's also the first thing I've actually completed from my list! One down, 100 to go. Today is not day 30, it's day 36, but I wanted some time to reflect, and it was needed.
I rang the bell. It felt incredible. The lead up didn't feel exciting or different but actually ringing the bell made my heart soar. And that was so cool. I wanted to jump/scream/shout but I also had just been getting chemo for like, 5hrs straight and felt really shitty. Afterwards I felt like I was glowing. As I walked around I felt like everyone would look at me and know I'd just finished chemo and it was the best thing ever and would congratulate me (sadly that didn't happen as I live in the real world)
I got home and went to bed. Then didn't get out of it for 3 days. And haha, those were 3 of the hardest days. I have put this immense pressure on myself to recover, to achieve all my hopes and dreams, to feel healthy and I was waiting so intensely for the day I could finally do that. The day came, and nothing changed. I still had to finish recovering from chemo, and it shattered me. My mental wellbeing was fucked. I couldn't stop crying, having panic attacks, wanting to harm myself and generally freaking out. This is one of the scariest, most intense things I've ever done. Not cancer. Recovering from cancer.
Nothing is linear and I obviously know that. Recovery doesn't happen overnight or in a straight line. This will take time, energy, and there will be set-backs. But I'm so filled with so many new fears. I'm now very scared of not recovering, not being healthy, and of relapsing. Which is so weird cause I was sick for so long I had accepted it. Now I no longer accept it, it scares me. I keep panicking that in two weeks I won't actually feel much better and I will just have to accept that I'm gonna be sick forever.
I'm scared of pushing myself too hard but also of not pushing myself enough. I'm so scared of failing myself and of missing out on the opportunities I could have now! What if I don't recover fast enough or what if I am recovering fast enough but I don't think I am and I'm just being super lazy and wasting my life?? What if, in the absence of my physical problems my mental illness just completely absorbs me and controls my life?? Why can't anyone tell me answers to these things, why is there no guidebook on recovery??
During treatment your entire existance revolves around a schedule. For me, I would have chemotheraphy days 1-3, then on day 8, and I would remain on steroids until day 15. I would have 2 weeks to recover from this, then it began again. Cycle 1 became 2, then 3, then quickly 6, and we could all tick off the little chart and see progress being made. Suddenly at the end of 6, its done. There's just vast, empty space and time ahead. There's no tick box list of 'by week 2 you should feel like x', 'in week 7, these symptoms won't be there anymore.'
It's scaring me. The future is so so unkown, and I think I was okay with it until it arrived. I was very much hanging on to 'when it ends' and now it has ended, I'm lost. I feel very isolated in this. So few people can actually relate to my experince. I have many mentally ill friends, and friends with cancer, but the crossover isn't there. People can only empathise or try to understand and it's scary.
But I've done it. And I'm here now. And nobody knows what's going to happen, but nobody ever did. Time will only tell and I do know I will feel at least somewhat better. That gives me hope.
Much love,
Milly x
(pst....heres a video of me ringing the bell if u wanna watch)
I FINISHED CHEMOTHERAPY!!!!!
That's right, 6 brutal cycles of poison hell and I'm out the other side. I'm lucky to not need radiotherapy so that makes me, essentially, done with everything.
It's also the first thing I've actually completed from my list! One down, 100 to go. Today is not day 30, it's day 36, but I wanted some time to reflect, and it was needed.
I rang the bell. It felt incredible. The lead up didn't feel exciting or different but actually ringing the bell made my heart soar. And that was so cool. I wanted to jump/scream/shout but I also had just been getting chemo for like, 5hrs straight and felt really shitty. Afterwards I felt like I was glowing. As I walked around I felt like everyone would look at me and know I'd just finished chemo and it was the best thing ever and would congratulate me (sadly that didn't happen as I live in the real world)
I got home and went to bed. Then didn't get out of it for 3 days. And haha, those were 3 of the hardest days. I have put this immense pressure on myself to recover, to achieve all my hopes and dreams, to feel healthy and I was waiting so intensely for the day I could finally do that. The day came, and nothing changed. I still had to finish recovering from chemo, and it shattered me. My mental wellbeing was fucked. I couldn't stop crying, having panic attacks, wanting to harm myself and generally freaking out. This is one of the scariest, most intense things I've ever done. Not cancer. Recovering from cancer.
Nothing is linear and I obviously know that. Recovery doesn't happen overnight or in a straight line. This will take time, energy, and there will be set-backs. But I'm so filled with so many new fears. I'm now very scared of not recovering, not being healthy, and of relapsing. Which is so weird cause I was sick for so long I had accepted it. Now I no longer accept it, it scares me. I keep panicking that in two weeks I won't actually feel much better and I will just have to accept that I'm gonna be sick forever.
I'm scared of pushing myself too hard but also of not pushing myself enough. I'm so scared of failing myself and of missing out on the opportunities I could have now! What if I don't recover fast enough or what if I am recovering fast enough but I don't think I am and I'm just being super lazy and wasting my life?? What if, in the absence of my physical problems my mental illness just completely absorbs me and controls my life?? Why can't anyone tell me answers to these things, why is there no guidebook on recovery??
During treatment your entire existance revolves around a schedule. For me, I would have chemotheraphy days 1-3, then on day 8, and I would remain on steroids until day 15. I would have 2 weeks to recover from this, then it began again. Cycle 1 became 2, then 3, then quickly 6, and we could all tick off the little chart and see progress being made. Suddenly at the end of 6, its done. There's just vast, empty space and time ahead. There's no tick box list of 'by week 2 you should feel like x', 'in week 7, these symptoms won't be there anymore.'
It's scaring me. The future is so so unkown, and I think I was okay with it until it arrived. I was very much hanging on to 'when it ends' and now it has ended, I'm lost. I feel very isolated in this. So few people can actually relate to my experince. I have many mentally ill friends, and friends with cancer, but the crossover isn't there. People can only empathise or try to understand and it's scary.
But I've done it. And I'm here now. And nobody knows what's going to happen, but nobody ever did. Time will only tell and I do know I will feel at least somewhat better. That gives me hope.
Much love,
Milly x
(pst....heres a video of me ringing the bell if u wanna watch)
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